Shit Film Club: Fifty Shades Freed

Between myself and a friend we’ve decided to start doing a ‘Shit Film Club’ where our love for shit films can actually be enjoyed on the big screen rather than waiting for the home release.

Entry number 1, and the first film to enter the club is Fifty Shades Freed.

To make the premier outing of Shit Film club even better, we decided (two very hairy men, me, quite small, my friend, rather tall and bulky) to see this on Valentines night! We’d booked the seats well in advance, well back in January in fact, and made sure we had the back row. Partly so we could laugh at the film, people watch, and also keep up to tabs with the score of the Porto v Liverpool game without annoying too many people around us! Scandalous I know.

Luckily no one else sat around us so that made keeping up with the game easier, however the screen was pretty rammed, with couples and mainly groups of girls, obviously on their own for this Romantic night of the year. One couple even arrived in cosplay!! Fair play.

The film picks up after the previous outing (I have also seen the two films before this) with our hero couple tying the knot. This is followed by 10 minutes of pointless scenes of them enjoying their honeymoon, doing typical holiday type stuff. Lovely. Whilst enjoying the honeymoon, someone, somehow, manages to gain access to Grey Enterprises, and plant a bomb in the server room!

Despite this being a bomb, it would also seem the perp also managed to gain access to some data (huh) one would assume all this data would have been encrypted on the disk but that is never clarified.

Next we spend another 30 odd minutes of pointless scenes and the occassional sexual activity for being a naughty girl. Our favourite couple also has a number of discussions such as ‘do you want to have a baby’ which one would assume you’d have had these conversations BEFORE you decide to marry someone. Of course she then ends up pregnant at some point, and he throws his toys out the pram.

Eventually our perp manages to also gain access to the Grey household and tries to kidnap the wife, but the security team catch him in his tracks and he’s arrested.

More pointless scenes, followed by our perp getting bail. More pointless scenes and then our perp kidnaps Mr Grey’s sister (I think) this results in Mrs Grey withdrawing $5m from the bank in cash (because all banks keep that amount of money in cash on prem) followed by a short chase scene and then them catching the perp.

So, basically there’s about 15-30 minutes of any kind of plot, which is thin at best. The rest is like watching a week’s worth of episodes of Neighbours with a few not very good sex scenes thrown in.

This is the worst film out the trilogy. If you’ve seen the other two you’ll probably want to finish off the trilogy, otherwise avoid, unless, like us, you enjoy picking a film apart from start to finish. Then you’ll love it.

Final Score: 3/10

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